Mini trips

I just finished a Skype video call with my future husband, who's all the way across the country right now, visiting friends. I was supposed to be with him on this mini-trip, but I didn't go because I was too afraid of leaving work when everyone is being laid off. (Now's not the time to be gone on mini-trips.)

Then I got to thinking, after we all blew kisses and "wish-we-were-together"s at each other -- what's the point? Why didn't I go? What difference would it have made if I were here or not? If they're going to get to my name on the layoff spreadsheet, they will if I'm on a mini-trip or not. And out of fear I missed a few irreplaceable days with the man I love, and some wonderful people who love us.

I've spent far too many years picking work over the people I love, despite my best efforts not to. And was it out of ambition? Loyalty? Passion for what I do? No. None of the above. It was out of fear. Fear of losing my livelihood. Fear of ending up living in squallor. And worst of all, fear of being dependent on someone else.

My future husband lives in another city, so we do a lot of Skype calling. We'll keep doing it, because we both have to hang on to some sort of livelihood.